Supremacy Culture & Relational Fuckery

IN PERSON – JANUARY 26th & 27th in CHICAGO

(WORKSHOP IS FULL. NEW DATES COMING SOON.)

A slow, two-day, intimate, in-person conversation exploring the ways we perpetuate supremacy culture in our most important relationships — and what we can do to uproot contempt and create more peace & joyful connection and less suffering in our communities, friendships & families, our partnerships, parenting, politics, and professions.

Your questions, feelings, thoughts, and experiences are a crucial part of the content. We’ll work with what you bring. Please come with what you have. (There will be lots of snacks and breaks. I will not use judgment or contempt as teaching tools.)

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  • The building is located near the south end of Grant Park in the South Loop / Near South Side neighborhood of Chicago. It has both stairs and a ramp to the outside entrance, and an elevator inside. (Address will be provided upon registration confirmation)
  • I kindly request that you practice care for the group by masking during travel (if applicable), and take a Covid test the morning of 1/26 before arriving to the workshop (as will I).

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Friday 1/26 & Saturday 1/27
11:00 am – 5:30 pm

$350-$550 (pay what you choose)

Space is limited to 5 humans


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In punitive cultures and hierarchies of worthiness and contempt, we learn to relate to in ways that give us an illusion of safety and worthiness, but rarely bring us closer to the authenticity, integrity, relational joy, intimacy, and belonging we really want in our most important relationships.

White supremacy culture is a culture of separation, domination, and contempt… it is steeped in relational fuckery. Cultural characteristics like perfectionism, urgency, either/or thinking, fear of conflict, and a perceived right to emotional & psychological comfort (for some) directly impact the ways we show up with the people we care about most. If we’re showing up to our most intimate and most important relationships with unexamined contempt, how are we building the just and sustainable world we say we want?

We choose relational fuckery in our partnerships, parenting, professions, and politics when we want to avoid feelings or responsibility, defend our certainty, or control people, perceptions, & outcomes.

Here are a few of the things we do…

…to avoid responsibility and feelings:

Blame people and situations for our feelings, attitudes, beliefs, actions, and words • Pretend not to know what is true for ourselves • Withdraw physically or emotionally • Refuse to communicate, acknowledge our impact, or apologize • Distract ourselves with projects, activities, substances, or manufactured emergencies • Create drama • Shun, ridicule, shame, or diminish others • Reject our integrity and inner knowing in favor of advice, rules, and instruction from friends, family, experts, texts, or other external authorities

…to defend our certainty (the ideas we hold about ourselves, others, and the world):

Lie to ourselves and others • Argue (get defensive) out of a need to prove we’re right or good • Dismiss others’ lives experiences or our own • Automatically assume others are wrong • Require evidence, proof, or credentials before we will entertain others’ perspectives • Hold binary (either/or) rules for what is possible or acceptable

…to attempt to control people, perceptions, & outcomes:

Nag • Obstruct • Bully • Belittle, diminish, or shame ourselves or others • Manipulate • Punish and reward ourselves or others to influence behavior or performance • Abuse our own privilege or apply social pressure • Give ultimatums • Threaten • Demand • Retaliate • Behave or speak violently or cruelly (to ourselves or others) • Push past our own boundaries, or ignore or attempt to violate another’s

I don’t highlight our relational fuckery to shame us. None of us chose to be born and socialized into behaving in funky ways to feel safety and belonging. We came by it honestly. The good news is we learned it, and we can learn other ways of being in our relationships if the fuckery isn’t getting us the joyful connection we want… but to make a different decision, we have acknowledge what we’re up to now.


“Transforming the world means challenging and changing institutions and ourselves. We can be notorious for protesting injustices across the globe and across town yet neglecting to confront systems of oppression on our campuses and local schools, in our communities, in our institutions, or our own homes. Can we prioritize the slower-paced, not-so-flashy work of the daily dismantlement of white privilege and internalized racism–with our spouses, parents, friends, co-workers and ourselves?” —Desiree Lynn Adaway