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Love Letter to Humans (no. 45) — on the Myth of Objectivity

Myth of Objectivity: The relational fuckery of assuming or insisting you and I are (or should be) having the same experience, or that a similar experience holds (or should hold) the same meaning for you as it does for me.

It can be difficult and sometimes uncomfortable to imagine an experience we’ve never had, never witnessed, or never been taught to consider. It is even harder—impossible, perhaps—to understand the depth of what that experience means to the person living it.

It’s easier to believe in a mythical, objective experience (usually our own), especially where our privilege aligns with the majority or dominant experience. Even where we don’t hold privilege, it’s easy to assume we know what decisions other people—people whose experience we have not lived—should make, how they should feel, what they should know, or what something should mean to them. This is contempt, and I’ve never seen it lead to relational joy.

Other people—even the people closest to us—are not us. Our parents, our children, our siblings, our partners, our colleagues, our teachers, our best friends, our clients, our students, our community members, our leaders, and our lovers are each having a unique and subjective experience of life and everything a life contains… as are we.

If we want to know and be joyfully connected with ourselves, we can get curious about and acknowledge ourselves and our own experiences rather than diminishing our differences. If we want to know and be joyfully connected with others, we can ask what it’s like to be them instead of diminishing their differences and projecting onto them what it’s like to be us.


Relational practice: Curiosity

Where do you hold assumptions about someone else’s experience or judgment of their choices?

Where do you judge, diminish, hide, or attempt to erase yourself because what you are or have doesn’t fit with a “normal” or dominant experience?


In Regard we explore some of the ways dominant, punitive, white supremacist patriarchal culture impacts the ways we have been conditioned to relate to ourselves and with one another… and how we can choose something different.

I LOVE private work with individuals, partners, and small groups. If you want to dive deeper and practice together in 2020, I do too… let’s talk. 🧡

Love Letters to Humans (no. 44) — on Invitation

Relational Joy Practice: Invitation

A request to be present or participate

Also: encouragement, appeal, challenge, proposal, catalyst, cause, inspiration

In cultures that glorify individualism (I write this from the United States), it can be a radical act of courage to openly express a desire for connection and support, for other humans to be present and participate in our lives, to witness our experiences and our feelings, and to share in our dreams.

An invitation is a request, not a demand. Whether we are inviting someone to join us in bed, in conversation, in our personal experience, our offering of service, our organization, or our vision of a radically different world, invitation is the simultaneous honoring of our desire and someone else’s sovereignty. It is an expression of and requirement for consent. “This is my want. What is your want? Will you join me?”

One of the risks of inviting someone into deeper connection with us is rejection. And… belonging is our birthright. When we invite, no matter what the outcome, we declare our belief that we belong to one another—not as possessions, but as mutual participants in our shared humanity.

Relationship is. Right relationship nourishes.


What are you willing to risk rejection for? The possibility of connection, intimacy, support, greater impact, relational joy, something else?

If you knew someone’s potential “no” had absolutely no bearing on your innate and indisputable worthiness of belonging and connection, what is one invitation you would stop avoiding and make before the end of this week?

What can you only have with others—by either offering or accepting an invitation—that you cannot have alone?


Registration for Regard is open until December 29th, or until seats are filled. I also have space for private coaching in the new year.

If you want to dive deeper and practice together in 2020, I do too… let’s talk. 🧡

Love Letter to Humans (no. 43) — I’m The Only One™️

I’m The Only One™️: The relational fuckery of behaving as though our vision, purpose, work, pleasure, and relationships are solitary responsibilities.

When our decisions are influenced by individualism and perfectionism, it’s easy to believe that if we don’t do things ourselves, they will get done w r o n g (or never).

I’m The Only One™️ can lead to burnout, fatigue, frustration, resentment, and bitterness as we attempt to do it, fix it, manage it, solve it, and rescue and save everyone and everything ourselves. It can also lead to hopelessness, despair, indecision, inaction, and overwhelm when we recognize the real impossibility of doing it all alone.

Impact always and only happens in relationship.

We don’t have to do everything alone. Also, we cannot. Our greatest dreams require us to build right relationship. Our most important desires require us to trust and be trustworthy, to bring our gifts and receive the gifts others bring, to invite, welcome, and celebrate difference and discomfort.


Relational practice: Invitation

What and whom do you attempt to fix, manage, solve, or save on your own without guidance, support, or collaboration? How is it going? How do you feel?

How would it feel to have someone else enthusiastically, competently (and maybe imperfectly) share in and contribute to your vision, purpose, work, and pleasure?


Relationship is.
Right relationship nourishes.

Over the final two weeks of this year I’m exploring some of the ways dominant, punitive, white supremacist patriarchal culture impacts the ways we have been conditioned to relate to ourselves and with one another… and how we can choose something different.

Registration for Regard is open until December 29th, or until seats are filled. I also have space for private coaching in the new year.

If you want to dive deeper and practice together in 2020, I do too. Let’s talk. 💛

Love Letter to Humans (no. 42) — on Responsibility

Relational joy practice: Responsibility

Word origins: answer + able

See also: trustworthiness, care, dependability, maturity, capacity, power, accountability, “your lane”

We long for deep connection. AND… Deep connection without responsibility can be a recipe for co-dependence, trauma bonding, and abuse in the worst cases, and simple dissatisfaction and resentment in the best.

Almost nothing will squash our relational joy faster and more completely than giving someone else responsibility for what is ours: our wants and desires, our feelings, our beliefs, our choices. The only thing that comes close is taking responsibility for what isn’t ours and what we have zero actual responsibility (power & capacity) to change: someone else’s wants and desires, feelings, beliefs, and choices.

“Your lane” isn’t some safe place you’re relegated to because it keeps you from doing any harm and allows you to protect your imaginary goodness. We do harm, and our goodness doesn’t interest me.

“Your lane” is your area of responsibility, where you are answerable, able, connected to others, powerful, and trustworthy with your power. Claiming your lane (hat tip to Andréa Ranae Johnson’s Liberatory Leadership framework) and minding your business gives you space to tend to your purpose and your peace. It makes room for right relationship and more relational joy.


  • What responsibility do you give away that belongs to you?
  • What responsibility do you take or accept that isn’t truly yours?
  • What responsibility are you willing and able to reclaim—or release—to better steward your own peace, your purpose, and your most important relationships?

Relationship is.
Right relationship nourishes.


Registration for Regard is open until December 29th, or until seats are filled. I also have space for private coaching in the new year.

If you want to dive deeper and practice together in 2020, I do too. Let’s talk. 💛

Love Letter to Humans (no. 41) — on Individualism

Individualism: The relational fuckery (and delusion) of believing we are separate from our relationships, and that our sovereignty negates our innate belonging to one another.

You do not exist in a vacuum and neither do I. We each exist in relationship to and with everything and everyone else that has ever existed. We are both individual and collective, distinct and connected.

We can be both radically responsible for ourselves -and- relationally responsible to one another and the ecosystems of our relationships.


Relational practice: Responsibility

Where would clarity about who you’re responsible to and what you’re responsible for create more room for you?


Relationship is.
Right relationship nourishes.

Over the final two weeks of this year I’m exploring some of the ways dominant, punitive, white supremacist patriarchal culture impacts the ways we have been conditioned to relate to ourselves and with one another… and how we can choose something different.

Registration for Regard is open until December 29th, or until seats are filled. I also have space for private coaching in the new year.

If you want to dive deeper and practice together in 2020, I do too. Let’s talk. 💛

Love Letters to Humans (no. 40) — on Difference

Relational Joy Practice: Regard for difference

The decision to consider difference—not dismiss, diminish, erase, or punish it, and to recognize difference as valuable… even when we feel uncomfortable or displeased.

I know… this one can be SO HARD. (In my experience so far, it’s also worth it.) I’m repeating myself a bit here: comfort is not a requirement for joy. The work we do to dispel contempt and suspend judgment so that we can connect deeply and experience relational joy is initially wildly uncomfortable at best.

Many of us have learned that difference is something to be feared, erased, punished, destroyed, or exploited. We avoid, attack, defend, and control—strategies that hold an illusion of safety, but ultimately leave us isolated and out of alignment with who we want to be.

If attack, defend, avoid, or control are what we grew up with, what is socially accepted and normative, and what we habitually choose in order to find our stability when confronted with difference, it makes sense that choosing to suspend judgment will feel uncomfortable, unnatural, and difficult to the point of impossibility at first.

I am not suggesting you choose to regard difference at the expense of your own safety and well-being. I am suggesting that habitually prioritizing comfort (your own or others’) over your desire for relational joy may not serve you, and you have other choices.


What peace would be available to you if you chose to regard difference—in yourself and in others—without judgment?

What possibilities present themselves when you regard difference as a gift of vital information that serves you in making wise decisions


Registration for REGARD: an Exploration of Right Relationship is open until December 29th, or until seats are filled.

I also have space for private coaching in the new year. I want to dive deeper into right relationship and practice together in 2020. If you do, too… let’s talk.

Love Letter to Humans (no. 39) — on The Right Way™️

Only one right way: The relational fuckery of believing there is a single, superior way to be or to do a thing, then upsetting yourself about, judging, or diminishing those who cannot or will not comply… including yourself.

People often tell me in our first conversation that they have resistance to the word “right” when I talk about right relationship. That makes sense given our enculturation into binary (right vs wrong) and supremacy thinking. We imagine, “if I’m doing relationship differently than you are, then one of us must be doing it wrong. And if one of us is DOING it wrong, then one of us must BE wrong.” And just like that, someone is less valuable, less worthy, less human.

I’m not here for the binaries, the supremacy, and the perfectionism we’ve used to create this narrow definition of right. So far I have not encountered a single, superior, right way to think about or be in relationship. And when we get it wrong, we can practice amends and repair.

I’m talking about the kind of right that is right for you and is sustainable for the ecosystem of the relationship. You are in every single relationship you have, and it is in you. What’s right for you may be different from what is right for someone else. Right may be different today than it was yesterday. Relationships change and “right” changes because we change. And every time we change, we’re different than we were before. Difference is inevitable. Now what?


Relational Practice: Regard for difference

Where can you set aside contempt for your own differences or the differences of others?

What possibilities emerge when there are many right ways of being and doing?


Over the final weeks of this year I’m exploring some of the ways dominant, punitive, white supremacist patriarchal culture impacts the ways we learned to relate to ourselves and with one another… and how we can choose something different.

Registration for REGARD: an Exploration of Right Relationship is open until December 29th, or until seats are filled.

I also have space available for private coaching in the new year. I want to dive deeper and practice together in 2020—if you do too, let’s talk.

Love Letter to Humans (no. 38) — on Listening

Relational Joy Practice: Listening without judgment: the decision to receive what someone wants to communicate (not what we think they are saying or what we want to hear) and to understand their experience without analyzing, fixing, reacting defensively, projecting, assuming, labeling, rescuing, helping, correcting, debating, or disregarding what is true for them… even when we feel uncomfortable.

Here is a relationship myth we can dispel: comfort is a requirement for joy. It is not.

We can have both comfort and joy, but they are not inseparable. When we prioritize comfort—our own or someone else’s—we often miss opportunities to learn about and connect deeply with ourselves and each other.

I am not talking about overriding your own knowing, tolerating abuse, or forcing yourself to suffer when you have a clear no for what’s happening. I am suggesting that where we habitually find ourselves defensive or rescuing may be places where listening deeper leads to authentic connection and relational joy in our most important relationships.

Relationship is.
Right relationship nourishes.

Registration for Regard is open until December 29th, or until seats are filled. I also have space for private coaching in the new year.

I want to dive deeper and practice together… let’s talk.

Love Letter to Humans (no. 37) — on Defensiveness

Defensiveness: The relational fuckery of fiercely committing to certainty & prioritizing being perceived as right or good over understanding someone else’s experience

We come by it honestly. In punitive cultures of patriarchy and white supremacy, being right, good, and certain are mechanisms for maintaining physical, emotional, and social safety.

When we feel threatened, uncomfortable, afraid, or uncertain, it is normal and natural to want to protect ourselves—to disregard ideas, experiences, and differences that might lead us to a deeper examination (and possible transformation) of what we believe about ourselves, each other, and the world. That disregard rarely brings us the joy, intimacy, impact, trust, and connection we crave in our most important relationships.

Connection requires risk. We risk uncertainty. We risk being wrong. We risk being hurt. We risk being disobediently whole and deeply, joyfully connected.

Relational practice: Listening without judgment

What ideas do you hold about yourself, others, or the world that protect you too well from joyful connection?

Where can you make yourself softer and listen deeper?


Relationship is.
Right relationship nourishes.

Over the final two weeks of this year I’m exploring some of the ways dominant, punitive, white supremacist patriarchal culture impacts the ways we have been conditioned to relate to ourselves and with one another… and how we can choose something different.

Registration for Regard is open until December 29th, or until seats are filled. I also have space for private coaching in the new year.

If you want to dive deeper and practice together in 2020, I do too… let’s talk.

Love Letter to Humans (no. 36) — on Care

Relational Joy Practice: Care

see also: concern, stewardship, cherishing, sustainment, presence, mindfulness, attentiveness, kindness, steadfastness, patience, understanding, graciousness, devotion

I do not speak of care as a value or moral imperative, but rather as a choice that is available to us when we want cultivate relational joy.

Also, giving to others what we deny ourselves seems unsustainable (and very not fun), so…


• How will you care for yourself?
• Where will you place the precious gifts of your concern and attention?
• How will you steward your energy and other resources?
• How do you sustain yourself, physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially, intellectually?
• Where could you give yourself a bit more patience, understanding, kindness, and grace?
• What does it feel like to slow down and cherish yourself?


Relationship is.
Right Relationship nourishes.

Registration for REGARD: an Exploration of Right Relationship is open until December 29th, or until seats are filled. I also have space available for private coaching in the new year. I want to dive deeper and practice together in 2020—if you do too, let’s talk.