Love Letters to Humans (no. 75) — on Hidden Commitments

Someone who expects you to anticipate and meet their unstated needs and desires is looking for a butler, not a partner.

We don’t have to guess at our partners’ wants and needs. We’re allowed to ask. If someone expects you to “just know” what they want and need, they probably have another commitment that supersedes getting their needs met by you—and that’s cool… you don’t have to share that commitment.

Likewise, our partners don’t have to guess at our wants and needs. They are allowed to ask. If you expect someone to “just know” what you want and need, you probably have another commitment that supersedes getting your needs met by them—and that’s cool… they don’t have to share that commitment.

Having another (hidden) commitment often looks like holding a belief or assumption that gets in the way of relating with the actual person in front of us, and most of the time we’re not even aware of it.

We might be committed to believing we’re not worthy of love and care. We might be committed to believing people who love us will never make mistakes—or their mistakes prove they never really loved us. Or love gives people the magical ability to read each other’s minds. Or if someone gets too close, we’ll suffer when they inevitably leave us. Or people who love us must do the job of being our emotional garbage receptacle. Or if we’re wrong or imperfect we won’t be lovable anymore. Or any number of beliefs and assumptions we cling to as truth, when we could just… show up and relate.

A commitment is such an important thing to be carrying around and allowing to guide our most important relationships. How do you know what yours are?


Relationship is. Right relationship nourishes.