Love Letter to Humans (no. 42) — on Responsibility

Relational joy practice: Responsibility

Word origins: answer + able

See also: trustworthiness, care, dependability, maturity, capacity, power, accountability, “your lane”

We long for deep connection. AND… Deep connection without responsibility can be a recipe for co-dependence, trauma bonding, and abuse in the worst cases, and simple dissatisfaction and resentment in the best.

Almost nothing will squash our relational joy faster and more completely than giving someone else responsibility for what is ours: our wants and desires, our feelings, our beliefs, our choices. The only thing that comes close is taking responsibility for what isn’t ours and what we have zero actual responsibility (power & capacity) to change: someone else’s wants and desires, feelings, beliefs, and choices.

“Your lane” isn’t some safe place you’re relegated to because it keeps you from doing any harm and allows you to protect your imaginary goodness. We do harm, and our goodness doesn’t interest me.

“Your lane” is your area of responsibility, where you are answerable, able, connected to others, powerful, and trustworthy with your power. Claiming your lane (hat tip to Andréa Ranae Johnson’s Liberatory Leadership framework) and minding your business gives you space to tend to your purpose and your peace. It makes room for right relationship and more relational joy.


  • What responsibility do you give away that belongs to you?
  • What responsibility do you take or accept that isn’t truly yours?
  • What responsibility are you willing and able to reclaim—or release—to better steward your own peace, your purpose, and your most important relationships?

Relationship is.
Right relationship nourishes.


Registration for Regard is open until December 29th, or until seats are filled. I also have space for private coaching in the new year.

If you want to dive deeper and practice together in 2020, I do too. Let’s talk. 💛