Love Letter to Humans (no. 37) — on Defensiveness

Defensiveness: The relational fuckery of fiercely committing to certainty & prioritizing being perceived as right or good over understanding someone else’s experience

We come by it honestly. In punitive cultures of patriarchy and white supremacy, being right, good, and certain are mechanisms for maintaining physical, emotional, and social safety.

When we feel threatened, uncomfortable, afraid, or uncertain, it is normal and natural to want to protect ourselves—to disregard ideas, experiences, and differences that might lead us to a deeper examination (and possible transformation) of what we believe about ourselves, each other, and the world. That disregard rarely brings us the joy, intimacy, impact, trust, and connection we crave in our most important relationships.

Connection requires risk. We risk uncertainty. We risk being wrong. We risk being hurt. We risk being disobediently whole and deeply, joyfully connected.

Relational practice: Listening without judgment

What ideas do you hold about yourself, others, or the world that protect you too well from joyful connection?

Where can you make yourself softer and listen deeper?


Relationship is.
Right relationship nourishes.

Over the final two weeks of this year I’m exploring some of the ways dominant, punitive, white supremacist patriarchal culture impacts the ways we have been conditioned to relate to ourselves and with one another… and how we can choose something different.

Registration for Regard is open until December 29th, or until seats are filled. I also have space for private coaching in the new year.

If you want to dive deeper and practice together in 2020, I do too… let’s talk.