Love Letters to Humans (no. 30) — on Repair and Grieving

Right Relationship requires repair.
Repair sometimes requires us to grieve.

It is asking a lot of ourselves to return to harmonious relationship with someone else when we are still grappling with the sadness or hurt of our unmet expectations. 

Grieving the loss of our ideas about ourselves, someone else, or a relationship is sometimes a necessary part of the process of repair. 

To be clear, I am talking about grief as a process, as an activity, not as an emotion. I don’t mean making out with sadness. I do mean allowing ourselves to feel what needs to be felt—anger, disappointment, fear, relief, guilt, sadness, confusion, resentment… whatever we have—and allowing ourselves to receive the information those feelings have for us. 

Grieving is, among other things, a process of coming to terms with our desire for things to have been some other way, and resolving—to the extent that we can and want to—our outstanding quarrels with what is. Grieving is one of the ways we return to Right Relationship with ourselves and with reality, which in turn allows us to be in more harmonious relationship with others.